Friends Never Change !!!

Rare, good one - Friends never change... To all my friends! 

 

Occasion	Maa	Papa	Dost
RESULT AGAR ACHCHA HO:	Bhagwan ki kripa hai.	Beta Kiska Hai.	Chal Daaru Peete hain.
RESULT AGAR BURA HO:	Aag lage is college main.	Laad pyar ne bigaad diya.	Chal Daaru Peete hain.
NAUKRI LAGNE PAR:	Apni sehat ka khyal rakhna	Khoob Mehnat se kaam karna	Chal Daaru Peete hain
NAUKRI CHHOOTNE PAR	Naukri hee kharab thee	Koi baat Nahin, doosri mil jayegi	Chal Daaru Peete hain
BIRTHDAY PAR	Jug jug jiye mera beta.	Hamesha aage badhe.	Chal Daaru Peete hain.
SHAADI PAR	Sadaa Sukhi Raho	Khush Raho	Chal Daaru Peete hain
BACHHA HONE PAR	Bilkul mere bete par gaya / gayi hai	Khush Raho	Chal Daaru Peete hain
LOVE MAIN FAIL HONE PAR	Beta Bhool ja usko.	Mard ban.	Chal Daaru Peete hain.

 MORAL OF THE STORY: 

Duniya badal jati hai par DOST kabhi nahin badalte. Pls feel free to share with yours. Long live friendship! ... Cheers!!

 

 

---

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BMW - Used car ad!

FW: " Wednesday"...( Rephrased) for all the engineers...

 

 

Harshal Vaidya
Morgan Stanley | Technology & Data
Manikchand Ikon | South Wing 18 | Dhole Patil Road
Pune, 411001
Phone: +1 212 620-7016
Harshal.Vaidya@MorganStanley.com

 

---

From: Jejurikar, Rohit [mailto:rohit.jejurikar@credit-suisse.com]
Sent: Monday, December 14, 2009 8:12 AM
Subject: FW: " Wednesday"...( Rephrased) for all the engineers...

 

All of you who have seen the movie ‘Wednesday’... will love these rephrased naseerudin shah dialogue’s...


Project Manager Rathore : kaun ho tum..??? kya pehcan hai tumhari ?

Unkonwn Caller : Kaun hoon mein...mein vo hu jo aaj committment karne se darta hai, Mein vo hoon jo aaj ghar jaane se darta ha, ye soch ke kahin ghar wale pehchanne se inkar na kar de...

mein vo hoon jo, aaj job change karta hai to sochta hai ki kahin recession mein mujhe company se na nikal de..

mein vo hoon jiski girlfriend usse friday ko dus bar phone karti hai, "kya kar rahe ho..?? kaam jyada hai..?? thak gaye ho..?? "
mera haal poochne ke liye ya kaam poochne ke liye nahi, rathore saab... balki vo ye jaanaa chahti hai ki... kahin hamesha ki tarah end moment pe
boss ke bulane pe mein saturdary ki date cancel to nahi kar raha...

mein vo hoon jo breakfast ke time pe dinner karta hai, lunch time pe breakfast karta hai, dinner ke time pe lunch karta hai.. vo bhi time mil jae to...

mein vo hoon jo aksar phasta hain
kabhi Interviews ke sawaal mey phasta hai , kabhi Badi companiyon ke jaal mey phasta hai, kabhi boss aur client ke bawaal mey fasta hai.

Walk-In ki bheed to dekhi hogi aapne rathore saab... us bheed mein se ko bhi chehra chun lijie.. mein vo hoon..

I'm the…..STUPID SOFTWARE ENGINEER....

 

 

==============================================================================
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http://www.credit-suisse.com/legal/en/disclaimer_email_ib.html
==============================================================================

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FW: Honesty!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:  I will not lie."
 
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."


When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."


The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

---

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Worlds Most Embarrassing Moments

There was a World wide survey of "Most Embarrassing Moment in human
life"

The finale had the following three incidents....

Third Place

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but
my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard
the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I
give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss
the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom
of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people
yelled "SURPRISE!"

My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my
friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot
in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again

Second Place

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some
pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold
of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now,
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I
will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee(dick) last
night!".

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity
and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that
I heard as the door closed behind me was the screams of laughter.

And the Winner is...

This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked,
"If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male
semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on
to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young
thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said(or rather implied), she picked up her books without a
word and walked out of the class, and never returned.

However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a
classic. Totally straight- faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't
taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
tongue and not in the back of your throat!

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Afraid to pee

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that,
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open
the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the
door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

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Writing a report

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I
born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write
due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family
for three generations."

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See the guts!!!

On a ship, the Project managers of three different companies belonging
to 3 different

nations were traveling with their Trainee guys. They started an
argument on whose Trainee

engineer had more guts.

The American PM called for one of his men and told him to jump off and
take around swimming around the moving ship.

The Trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted of by
saying, "See the guts!" *

Now the German PM called out for one of his men and asked him to take
two similar rounds around the moving ship.

The Trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the
German PM said, "See the guts!" *

Now the Indian PM called out for his most courageous man and asked him
to take five similar rounds.

The Trainee promptly replied, " Why the hell should I ? ? ? You do that
"

The PM proudly said, ** "See the guts!" **

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Legal and Logical

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student
goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student, "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor, "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student, "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you
can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If
you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the
exam."

Professor, "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give
the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A',
as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the
same question.

He immediately answers, "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35
year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year
old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given
your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is
neither legal, nor logical.

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"Potentiality" and "Reality"

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between
"Potentiality" and "Reality"?"

Dad: "I will show you"

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford
for 1 million dollars"?

Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"...

Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1
million dollars?

Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for 1 million dollars"?

Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million
Dollars! I would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: "You see son,
"Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality" we
are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

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Rajnikant's next movie climax

Rajnikant's next movie climax:

10 runs to win of 1 ball.

Rajni batting.

He hits the ball, the ball splits into two...

One goes for 6 and the other for 4 !!!

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Where is Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little
confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our
bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!

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ltr frm the management

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of

economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers
of
40 years of age and above on early retirement... This scheme will be

known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for
the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination) .

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW
program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times
as
Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for

Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel

Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED
any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always

prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you
feel
that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention
of
your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you
can
handle.

Enjoy the Holidays!

Sincerely,

The Management

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Marketing strategy

Professor at IIMs explaining marketing concepts to
Students
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am
very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very
rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten
your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of
the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride
and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's
Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and
says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand
Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am
very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. -
"That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am
very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's
demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you
say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you
marry me?" and she
goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you
say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for
entering new markets"

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Deadly PJ's

Tere Pyaar Mein Paagal Ho Gaya Peter ...
Waah! Waah!
Tere Pyaar Mein Paagal Ho Gaya Peter ...
Waah! Waah!
Ab Hero Honda Splendor, 80 km Prati Litre .. !!/



Bahaar Aane Se Pehle Fizaa Aa Gayii ...
Waah! Waah!
Bahaar Aane Se Pehle Fizaa Aa Gayii ...
Waah! Waah!
Phool Ko Khilne Se Pehle Bakri Kha Gayii ..
!!
Waah! Waah!



Aatma Chhod Gayii Shareer Puraana ...
Waah! Waah!
Aatma Chhod Gayii Shareer Puraana ...
Waah! Waah!
Didi Tera Devar Deewana .. !!



Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...
Waah! Waah!
Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...
Waah! Waah!
Good Afternoon! Good Afternoon! Good
Afternoon!!



Yashomati Maiyya Se Bole Nandlala ...
"Maa, Tata Sky Laga Daala To Life
Jhingalala ..



Hoton Pe "Haan" Hai ...
Dil Mein "Naa" Hain ...
Hoton Pe "Haan" Hai ...
Dil Mein "Naa" Hain ...
Shashi Kapoor Kehta Hai: "Mere Paas Maa
Hai ..."



Cockroach Gaana Gaa Rahe Thhe : "Aashiq
Banaaya
Aapne" ...
Dono Marr Gaye ...
Because Gaana "HIT" Tha ...



Aapki Surat Mere Dil Mein Aise Bass Gayii
Hai ...
Aapki Surat Mere Dil Mein Aise Bass Gayii
Hai ...
Jaise Chhote Se Darwaaze Mein Bhens Phass
Gayii Hai .. !!



Premika: "Aisa Khatt Likho Sajna, Ki Meri
Umar Beet Jaaye Padhne Mein ... "



Premi: "$@# % #$ @ $ %#$ &&*
!@#@ &&*( )(&% %#$%
%#$%#$
!#@!# ?<":::<< $%^$% %#%"
@#@#!! ?#$%^ $#$%&<<
#%$%""}}+ !@??": @@#$$$?:@!!
** Le Padh !!!"**

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divorce letter

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for
seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called
to tell me that you quit your job today and that was
the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that
I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and
even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate
in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you
love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband and wife. Either you're
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great
life!

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true that you and I have been married for
seven years, although a good man is a far cry from
what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't
work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week,
but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look
just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you
because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I
prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had
just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and
felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the
lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I
guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always
wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my
sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a
problem.

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Father Daughter

Father asked his daughter- bade hokar kya karogi?
Daughter - Maa Banungi,padhai karungi,shaadi krungi
Father - Beti tu kuchh bhi kar par thodha sequence ka dhyan rakhna

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new doctor- new tech-- new diagnostic tools

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jim says to Mike behind him,
"My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than
consulting

a doctor.................."

So, Jim deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds....., the computer throws a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jim
began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Jim hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results He deposits ten

dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle
7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with your tools , your elbow will
never get
better! and more u will see what your wife did

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

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Jahreeley PJ...

A scientist disconnected his doorbell.......

can u guess why???

????
try

think!!!

donno???
cuz

he wanted to win the No-bell prize!!!!!!!!!!

________________________________________________________________________
______________________

Q: Who is the only Aussie cricketer who always smiles,even if he is
declared out???

A: Hussey..............

________________________________________________________________________
______________________

Q: What did the policeman say when he arrested Hussey???

A: Hussey to phasi !!!!

________________________________________________________________________
______________________

ship tha..jisme bahut saare log the...usme ek chor bhi tha..ship iceberg
se takra gayi or sab dhub gaye ...sirf chor bacch gaya batao kaise?

....
.
.
.

.
.

kyun ki chor ki daadhi me tinka tha..

dhubte hue ko tinka ka sahara mil gaya...

or chor bachh gaya

________________________________________________________________________
______________________

Ek Kana Ladka Kisi ladki ko Prapose kare to kaun sa gana Gayega???????

???????????????

Ek Nazar se b Pyar Hot a hai Maine suna
Hai............................................

________________________________________________________________________
______________________

Highly complicated PJ

Q.wat wud an angrez say to his indian naukar who can only understand
hindi if he wants him 2 open the door!!

A."There Was A Cold Day "(say it fast)

________________________________________________________________________
______________________

colour of frequency

what is the colour of frequency??

Purple

how ??

frequency ka unit hai Hz
u can write it as 1/sec
ie. par second

in hindi second is also caled as pal
therefore

PARPAL
________________________________________________________________________
______________________

Sholay movie mai kis ka double role tha .
?
?
?

King George

how ??

coin ke dono side rehta hai

________________________________________________________________________
______________________

according to movie Sholay who is son of lion.
............
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
HOLI

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
how ??
..
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.Gabbar bolta hai na

holi cub hai
cub hai holi
(cub)

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And then the fight started...

************************************************************************
*************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

************************************************************************
*************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started...

************************************************************************
*************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...
************************************************************************
*************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my
wife
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many
years
ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

************************************************************************
*************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Naaah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

************************************************************************
*************
A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started..... .

************************************************************************
*************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....

************************************************************************
*************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************
*************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to
me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep
the driveway.'
And then the fight started...

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